hacksaw
by aromatic-grass
Summary: When Kite finds himself trapped in a dungeon with Piros, what horrors await? Parody based off the movie Saw!


In a random dungeon somewhere...

Kite: -wakes up- where the hell am i?  
Piros: -is blue and sparkly- hark!  
Kite: WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING HERE? and why is he... blue... AND SPARKLY?  
Piros: he of fair eyes... it appears we have fallen into a trap! fear not, the brave Piros will lead you to safety!  
Kite: fuck this, i'm leaving. -tries to escape- shit, i'm chained down!  
Piros: alas, and so am i! how shall we escape this predicament?  
Kite: i'll show you how... -runs like a maniac. trips and falls on something- ow, my ass! what the hell is this? -picks up object, which is a tape recorder-  
Piros: has my comrade come upon a rare item?  
Kite: QUIET, YOU! -chucks the object at Piros' head. it knocks Piros out and the tape begins to play-  
Deep Voice On Tape: You might be wondering why you and Piros are chained up alone in a dungeon-  
Kite: hells yes! What kind of sick bastard are you?  
D.V.O.T.: -goes higher pitched- STFU NEWBIE! I TELL YOU WHEN TO TALK!  
Kite: ...you can hear me?  
D.V.O.T.: no... no i can't. just ignore that... -clears throat and voice goes deeper- you are trapped in this dungeon with Piros as a test of your humanity. you have one hour to decide your fate. there are a pair of twin blades somewhere in this dungeon. with them, you could take a gruesome escape and be free anytime, or, you will be released by killing Piros.  
Kite: i'll take the second option please!  
D.V.O.T.: you have one hour to decidedfjkioabneiwoajeowmaviewojei.  
Kite: what was that? -rewinds tape-  
D.V.O.T.: in whispery voice look toward the gruntyyyyy.  
Kite: ... oO Piros: -wakes up- what was that, dear friend? did you gather any interesting information?  
Kite: hrm... grunty... -looks around. spots crappily drawn grunty on the wall- HA!  
Piros: i fail to see the humor in this situation.  
Kite: there! the toilet!  
Piros: a toilet in a dungeon?  
Kite: -points!- there, asswipe! there might be something we can use to escape in it! but i can't reach.  
Piros: no problem, friend! -walks over to the toilet. looks in it- i believe i see something!  
Kite: -decides to take advantage of this- you need to stick your head in deeper, Piros!  
Piros: i will do as you command -does so. finds nothing but his head is covered in brown goo- i have found nothing.  
Kite: oh... -snicker- then maybe you should look behind it.  
Piros: certainly! -reaches behind the toilet. pulls a bag out- i have found an item!  
Kite: good, hand it here!  
Piros: but, friend, there may be a potion inside that will cure my condition.  
Kite: -holds up data draining hand- toss it here and no one gets drained!  
Piros: as you command! -tosses the bag-  
Kite: -reaches inside the bag. it is the twin blades that the voice talked about- NOW! FREEDOM! -he tosses a blade directly at Piros' head but it bounces off- ...huh?  
Piros: what is it that you are attempting? -scratches head-  
Kite: -tosses other blade, very accurately, but it bounces off as well- ... the hell?  
Deep Voice is now overhead: oh and i forgot to mention. Piros has been coded with a gameshark. he now has infinite HP.  
Kite: nooooo... NOOOOO! DAMN YOU! WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME SO?  
D.V.: heh heh heh... if you look around, there is a solution in the solution.  
Kite: what the hell is that suppose to mean?  
Piros: -looks like he's seen a ghost-  
Kite: what the hell is it?  
Piros: -points- it is Orca!  
Kite: -sees dead body surrounded in potion in the middle of the floor- that's Bear, you dumbass.  
Piros: i would always recognize Orca!  
Kite: it's Bear.  
Piros: i say it's-  
Kite: alright alright, screw who it is! its some player. now shut your mouth!  
Piros: as you-  
Kite: SHUT IT!  
Piros: -shuts up-  
Kite: now lets see... data draining is an illegal move so i might be able to get away with it... DATA DRAIN! -data drains Piros. it seems to have no effect-  
Piros: please warn me the next time you do that! now... the sparkles are beginning to burn my eyes... OH GOD MY EYES! -rolls around on the floor-  
Kite: alright, alright, there has to be some way out of this... AHA! -spots a bathtub- that must be the solution that the voice was talking about! -picks up the bag and scoops some of the bathwater into it, accidently pulling the drain out of the tub. tosses the bag to Piros- DRINK IT!  
Piros: but friend, it might be contaminated.  
Kite: ITS A POTION NOW DRINK IT!  
Piros: -drinks reluctantly. starts twitching-  
Kite: yes... YES!  
Piros: -vomits-  
Kite: oh god no... ;  
Piros: i'm afraid that didn't work. and i do not feel too well.  
Kite: ok ok lets see... -glances at the body again- I'VE GOT IT! Piros, get some of that potion!  
Piros: i suppose there is a chance... -scoops up some of the potion around the body and drinks it. begins to have a seizure-  
Kite: yes... yes... YES!  
Piros: -turns normally colored-  
Kite: FINALLY! Now... uh oh... i already used my last data drain... its all over if i use another... -thinks. spots the blades lying near Piros- Piros, there is only one way out of this!  
Piros: what would that be, friend?  
Kite: cut off your leg.  
Piros: ... what? but, but.  
Kite: DO IT! once you do, we can escape! you want to help your friend, don't you?  
Piros: all right! i shall contribute to the ultimate noble cause! -begins to saw off leg. whines-  
Kite: SHUT UP! it's not like you can really feel it anyway. i don't want to hear your whining Piros: -finishes sawing off leg. begins to crawl toward Kite-  
Kite: yes! that's it!  
Body On The Floor: -stands up- your time is UP! you have failed to kill piros. now, your fate shall be sealed!  
Kite: Bear... you thought this up?  
Piros: -weakly- it's Orca.  
Kite and Bear/Orca: SHUT UP!  
Piros: -shuts up-  
Bear/Orca: i am BEAR. and i was simply an aid in this actually, i just did the voice. the real culprit is... -points to high window. a shadow emerges-  
All: AURA?  
Sora: -dancing around- BA-KYUUN! not this time! heh heh heh... that's what you get for not rescuing me sooner in the game!  
Kite: i didn't hear about you until outbreak, you idiot!  
Sora: anyways... that wand was kinda cramped. so, i decided to do this to YOU! pretty clever, for a kid? but, then again, i AM the big bad PKer!  
Kite: ... xx;  
Sora: Bear... close the door now! -spots Piros- hey, where do you think your going?  
Piros: -has crawled out the door- FREE AT LAST!  
Bear: very well then. you shall be sealed in here, FOREVER!  
Kite: please... let me go! doesn't it even count that i got Piros to saw his leg off?  
Sora: no, not really. actually, i don't care. by the way, there WAS a key to your chain but it went down the drain in the tub. you should have watched the movie!  
Kite: then again, it is only a game! therefore, i can ESCAPE! -data drains Sora and Bear-

SYSTEM FAILURE 


End file.
